I'm going into hiding...

I don't want to be bothered..

don't message, mail, txt, or call me

I won't respond...







I just need some time to move myself out of this depression

Yes.... I'm still alive.
I'm still here...
and nothing has really changed with me.

myspace has taken over my internet life...
i need to go to rehab for it.

my hair is short... and staying short.





things could be better.... things could be much better...

I'm going though an emtional "crisis" of sorts.

I need to disappear from the net for a while until i can figure it out...

I'll leave an update of what I've have or haven't discovered.

just know I'm ok... and I just need time to tend to my problem

Work...
Last night was hell...

The power kept going out...
one of my jobs is to make sure the Tvs are all on the same channel and turned on...

you can image how annoyed I became after the 4th time the lights flickered out...

However, there were a few visually stunning specimens that graced the store...
one of which hung around my area and played a game for a while on the ps3 demo...
I watched adamantly, and studied him for a while...
I know it sounds creepy.
But to tell the truth, thats the closests I will possible get to someone of his caliber of beauty...

I'm not a very attractive person... so its easily assesible that I'm not the more sought after man...
In fact, I've maybe been close to 3 people, none seemily lasting more than a month....
I've maybe been on less than 10 dates... or would could be considered dates...

and I've only been intimate with one person... which I felt was disrupting any emotion i could have had towards him...

I choose to be single only because I have few options than I'd like to beleive I have...
So as of right now... all I have are the short gazes I can steal of others and my sad little dreams...

Its enough to stop me from crying myself to sleep... but not enough to fill the void I created for myself several years ago...




He was the perfect guy... and I pushed him away with my pigheadedness...
I've never felt that way about any other guys... and I know I really never will...

I destroyed my best chance for pure happiness with someone...
I could have shares my life...
now I'm alone... and its all my fault...

I caught another cold i think...
so far its just the sniffles...

I hate this so much. Why can't people just stop being sick...

Well anyways...
I sent off for my free Wii remote jackets... they should get here within two weeks I'm assuming.
And someone's Mii appeared in my parade section... a Kiwi...

no created owned to it... *shurgs*

Oh speaking of which... if you have a Wii.. and want to buddy add me.. my concole number is 2821 1352 2262 3814

message me through aim: Kylses /yahoo: Saris2000 if you added me with your number so I can add you back...


Been playing Twilight Princess alot... damn thats a good game..
Although, it could be alot harder than what it is...

Tabletop gaming...
I've recently started my own ad&d game. And frankly... I'm fustrated with the rush of having to build a storyline almost on the spot. I work on it days ahead of time, but it didn't really go how I exactly wanted it to.

Mind you. I've only hosted one so far. I'm hoping my next one will be much more smoothly, for both me and the players.
I can't say to much as since the PCs have access to this forum.

But I can say, I kinda feel like the latest issue of PVP.

Things have been so hard on me for the past few weeks.
Work
Life
Love...

Everything just seems to be falling apart and disappearing.
They want to fire everyone at work, yet make the people who are still there, pick up the slack or be fired.
It seeems to be their only answer to everything. "He wants to go on lunch early? Fire him!"

I can not take the stress of it anymore. I'm willing to lose a 1.50 in pay just to change status. Become a cashier, move to a different store. I would quit, but I need the insurance for my treatments. Otherwise I'll be in the same health boat I was in the begining of last year.
I'm doing alright. Which is why I am confident about switching positions.
Its just they are being so difficult about it. Making up one excuse after another just to waste my time.

And things outside of work aren't any better. Because of all of my medical bills. I have unoffically become broke for the next two to three years.
This is a major strain on my social life, because everyone I know, wants me to meet them at this place, or they want to go here where it will cost this much to get in.
And I can't afford this.
I'm barely going to make it with gas money this week. If it wasn't for that this thursday was payday [which most all of my paycheck will go yet again to bills] I would probably run out of gas in my car altogether.

And love... well. I've never had any love. That issue has been a problem for the past four years.
I'm still convinced, despite reassurance from my friends, that I am cursed.
Every time there is someone I like, it always turns out they are either just not interested in me at all or they are unavalible due to either being in a relationship or not of my sexual orientation.
Then there are the very rare occation someone has an interest in me. It seems almost after a week has passed. It instently fades into nothing more than just a phase.
I have given up all hope for any love life for me. It does not help my state of mind in this, that just about everywhere I look, people are flaunting their happiness in love while I have to stand by and sulk about being so unloved.


After this weekend. I am going to seclude myself inside my room for a month. I need isolation. I have always found it the best way for me to clear my mind.
I don't know if things are going to get better. I just know that they can't get any worse.

Well... at the end of my night [in the morning] I'll know whether or not I will be put days as front end cashier.

I'm excited in a very "dear god I hate my life" type of way.
My main goal was to transfer to the new deltona store and be days there. But Bitches residing refuse to allow such a thing.

So I just have to bide my time well and wait as a cashier.
I hope they just keep me mornings... I really don't want to work second shift.



[I cry as I realize my life is still pathetic regaurdless it is getting better]

I think this is funny. The Mayfield Mall in Wauwatosa, Wis. has placed a ban on Unruley teenagers due to massive theift and mischief.

check out the reports here and here.

Date:	2007-03-04 20:01
Subject:	I feel like crap
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Not the "I'm sick" type of way.
I'm in a very unkind mood right now.

I want to just crawl under my blanket and sleep for a week until it goes away.

things are just very low for me right now...
and I'm its becoming increasingly hard for me to fake a smile about it.

I no longer have the urge to be around people anymore.
In a way it makes it worse.
I wish I could just shove this feeling in a bottle and throw it away.

But nothing will get better for me. It never does.

I know its my own fault for not putting myself out there... going place where one might happen upon me...
But it seems the longer I put it off... the more god taunts me with it...

tuesday day was just a huge barrage of handsome guys, all which I desperately wanted to flirt with but could... or was slightly afraid to.

Then came the parade of couples, hugging with their cutsey names...
*cries*

Wednesday wasn't any better... not as many, but still just as worse.


I hate going to bars, I dislike the idea of clubs.... why do I have to hate crowds of people!?!

god... I need a boyfriend...

I wish I could do that at my job... though I could... but I get paid fairly well.
As such as the woe of working for a crap ass company like walmart.

As you all might have known I have been unwell for the past year and a half.

My doctor has switched to onto a new medication called Ramikade.
It is a very mild kemo.
And I can tell you it is working wonders.
I feel 100% better. Even though I will not be cured of this decease.
I'm kept assured that in lifetime I will see a non-drastic cure.
And I will be keeping that hope.

This thursday I go for another ramikade treatment.
After that it will be four weeks before another then six, then eight from then on.

I will keep you all updated...

I'm being forced to format my laptop.
something strange is happening to it.

Different programs either stop working or change their settings on their own.

I'm very much concerned... and I wish not to allow my laptop to fall into the delapitated state that my desktop is currently in.

I will be off the internet for a day or two until I have everthing backed up and done with.

I was wondering if any of you would know if there is an actual book to this. I've been watching it all day yesterday and I got to thinking. If if was so nice... It would be very interesting to read. [Note: I don't know japanese or any other language. So don't bother giving me links or references to pages or books in different languages]

This comic perfectly describs my fustration and my excitement about Final Fantasy XII.

( VGCats comic )

within three days I've already clocked in about 22 hours of game play...
the game is pretty good... despite the fact I was slightly against the game in the first place.
But I think that was because I was being brainwashed by my gamer hater friend.

Her immediate oppinion of games now is... to hate everything before it ever coems out.. and before she even tries it.
I'm personally think she's bitchy about the series cuz she couldn't afford to try the online FF.

Oh... on a slightly similar note.
I think I might be going to get myself a 360 sometime in the future... mayeb summer of next year. There have only been two games that have perked my interest in getting the system. And those are dead rising... and the new to release Gears of War.

Work is ok... but still a pain in the ass... The new store manager has finally gotten others to do their jobs and organized the back room to where we can walk back there.



Something is bothering me right now. And that is the ads that have been floating around myspace... If I catch anyone buying an alienware... I will bitchsmack you so hard you'll think its 1986.
You have been warned!

Well... I get into work.. everthing seems good and normal
then I see this little package behind of the registers...

so I look inside.. and what do I find.
the info packet for the PS3 release.

but thats not all...
along with it I find this...

( click )

I feel like crying. This are becoming repeative. More then usual.
I haven't posted on here because I have been busy and lazy at the same time.
Last weekend I went to Wildgate and bought some magic pre-decks.
Wanted to buy some heroclix or at least the neat looking horrorclix there..
but sadly decided against it.

New assist-manager at work.
I have yet to see her piss me off but so far she just seems confused about what to do.

I'm very sad right now, reasons that I won't go into because I doubt you really want to hear about my person problems. But I've been sleeping alot as of recent.

I need an adventure... something exciting...

Was checking some webcomics out...
thought this one was funny.

( Click this, or I'll have to imagine a fat lady naked and dance to  )